Sitting beside the window, in the cold early morning on the 1st day of 2005, I tuly hope everything will be fine this year.

Stayed up whole night, couldn't make myself fall asleep. Struggling in bed while I was worried. I was worried about my visa, the future, the money, the seats availibilitie if I have to go, what should I do? I never stopped worried since the day I arrived.

It was a nice new year's eve last night with him, actually, I should say it's the best new year's eve I've ever had, because of him, because he was actually my by side. No disappointing friends or families, I was satisfied at the moment, I almost cried when we were kissing after the final count down. Could this be better? I was thinking "God! How amazing this is, we are together to celebrate the new year!" Yes, he was right, it's been 2 years, times goes so fast, where have those time gone? After the painful long-distance thing, we're still together, isn't it a miracle?

He said "We can plan to have our new year's eve in Tocoma next year." Did he really mean it or just another talking again?

What should I do now? I should call the EVA to book my seat in case there's no chance for me to stay when the deadline comes next month.

What should I do if I go back? To get a job like what I did last time? I know that's defenitely not what I want. Maybe I should try to prepare to go to school in Europe?

Life without Allan? I hate to imagine that, but I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do, especially when it comes to marriage.

No money for me to go to school here.

I am helpless and confused.
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